Weary

Satan is ruthless.  I have felt him competing for my heart and my mind the past four or five weeks...in a big way.  And I'm weary.  It's been a roller coaster.  I will pray and pray some more, surround myself in God's word, and feel I hear His spirit speak comfort.  It calms me, temporarily.  Then Satan will win again...and the worry/fear/doubt comes back.  It's a constant tug-of-war, and I'm consumed with it.  I confess that I am a very fearful person.  I worry constantly, mostly about my health.  I know on one hand that my fears are very irrational.  Actually, quite ridiculous most of the time.  But on the other hand, Satan's manipulative nature makes my fears seem real.  It's deception at its finest.  On top of battling Satan, I feel guilt for living in a way that is opposite of the faith I profess.  I feel guilty when I don't handle my worries by seeking God's reassurance, but search for it by talking to others.  It's one thing on top of another.  My mind is a battlefield and this soldier is t-i-r-e-d. 

If you've been a long time reader of my blog, you might remember this post.  I wrote about how I feel God rescues me by speaking to me, allowing me to let go of my worries.  Hearing His spirit is the only thing that calms me.  I depend on it.  I search for Him always, in everything.  And he ALWAYS comes through.  If you remember, "ok" has become how I feel God speaks to me.  By seeing those letters coupled together in words during times of trials, by hearing someone say it as soon as I've completed a prayer pleading with God for comfort, or even finding it spray-painted on the concrete beside my driveway.  Oh yes, I did.  He speaks, friends.  And I am so very thankful.

In a moment of desperation this morning, I asked again.  I needed to hear Him.  I pulled in to the school parking lot and the first thing I saw was this...

Amazing, right?  I'm so in love with HOW HE LOVES US!  Satan is still trying to deceive me and say, "That's not what that means, Amy.  This was a coincidence.  That's not God. Even though you've prayed your heart out and God knows how you expect to see Him and in what way you interpret His speaking to you, that's still wrong."  And on, and on, and on.  Such has been my mind all.day.long.  This has to stop.

What I'm coming to realize through this trial is this:

* I HAVE to stay in the word to win my battle.  The only way I'm able to hold my head up daily (and sometimes I don't do it well), is because I've found solace in Him alone.

       
* I can depend on the Holy Spirit to guide me.  I'm just now beginning to realize that the Spirit truly is my comfort and my counselor.  Please don't misunderstand and think I believe God speaks to us in such big, bold ways in every single circumstance we encounter.  But I can promise you one thing...HE DOES SPEAK.  Look for it.  Search for Him.  You will never feel left alone.

     
 * It will pass.  Although this battle has lasted longer than most and I haven't seen a clear end yet, I know I will.  There must be a lesson God wants me to learn.  I am trying to figure out exactly what it is.  Maybe He wanted me to share my story in hopes someone will stumble upon this post needing to hear from Him.  I hope He can use me and my trials to help you.

* I am nothing without Him.  He isn't speaking to me because I've done things right.  He hasn't chosen to reveal His word to because I'm special.  In fact, I feel the opposite. He is coming to me because I'm desperate.  I'm desperate for Him.  And He always delivers.

I would covet your prayers as I continue to fight my battle.  I know each person that reads this (although it may be only two.. :) is fighting a battle, too.  Whether I see it or not or whether it's public or private, it's there.  I'm convinced of that.  Use what I feel God has taught me to help you develop a stronger battle tactic.  Teach me your knowledge, too, because I still need it.

While i write this primarily for my strength and to sort out my thoughts, I hope it comfort someone else.  Let go of all that bothers you, because He cares for you and is longing to give you strength.  Believe that.

Love....