For Such a Time As This...

When I began foster care, my plan was to only accept children believed to be adoptable.  I wanted to protect my heart and never be a caregiver for those I could expect to lose.  While I was in the process of finishing my certification, I got to meet Jen Hatmaker (I'm just a tad obsessed with her...) and hear her speak one weekend in Birmingham last April.  It was as if she planned her entire lesson based on my life and what God needed to share with me in those two short days.  I wrote down every word that came out of her mouth and realized at that moment those very words were changing my life.  She said,  "One of the reasons we struggle to believe is that we simply cannot do what God's asking us to do.  Our limits blind us to God's capacity.  You do not need to have full confidence in yourself to say 'yes.' Faith doesn't erase insecurity, doubt, suffering, or fear.  It simply overcomes those things.  We know for SURE that God is capable, higher, good, and trustworthy.  What God wants accomplished will be accomplished.  We are too often unaware of His hand in our story.  If we would begin to notice His hand in our lives, we would be a lot less confused."  And, there is was.  It was then that I knew.  I knew God's plans for me in foster care were bigger than what I planned for myself.  I knew I had to say "yes" to God and no to my fears and questions.  That realization lead me to say "yes" when I was asked to take a four to six week placement on November 2, 2015.

What was supposed to be a four to six week placement ended up being three days short of nine months.  I've shared some of my experience in previous posts.  I didn't write as much as I wanted, because I was absolutely positively exhausted a little tired.  My lazy nights were replaced with cooking dinner, baths, stories, and bedtime prayers.  I fell in love with her and her precious personality the first night.  It was just the two of us, figuring it out together.  To me, we were a perfect pair.  I remember the feeling of complete fulfillment I had early on in the process.  I couldn't wait to pick her up from daycare every day.  It was the cutest thing: She would see me, scream, and take off running to give me a hug.  Her teacher told me she asked several times a day when I would be there to take her home. We had so much fun together.   I tried to fit in as many experiences as I could to teach her consistency, stability, unconditional love, and the faithfulness of her heavenly Father.  One of the funniest things she ever said was in the car on the way home one night.  She asked me what God looked like.  Before I could drum up an answer, I heard her sweet little voice in the backseat say, "Dear God, please send me down a picture from heaven so I'll know what you look like.  I'm at the Kangaroo (gas station)."  I thought it was so hilarious that she felt she had to tell God her location...as if He didn't know.  I pray her understanding of Him and the story He is writing in her life continues to grow, and she can look back on her time with me knowing this was all a part of His perfect plan.

While we shared many laughs and had lots of great times, fostering wasn't all sunshine and rainbows.  It's the best thing I've ever done, but it's simultaneously the most physically, mentally, and emotionally draining.  Discipline was a big struggle.  I wasn't allowed to spank, so I had to be creative to find what would work best to teach her to make better choices.  I don't know that we ever figured it out, completely.  It was super hard for me to find the balance between holding her accountable for her actions and giving her some grace due to her situation.  Maintaining positive and healthy relationships with her family members was really important to me, also.  I often held my true feelings and thoughts inside to prevent awkwardness or confrontation.  I couldn't make sense of many things they said or decisions they made, but it was clear we all agreed that our first priority was this precious baby girl.

Skip over to June 28, 2016- The dreaded meeting.  I was told that more than likely, a decision would be made to transfer placement to a family member.  A's family, their attorneys, DHR, and I gathered for an ISP meeting to discuss the plan.  While I can't disclose details of the meeting, it was decided she would leave my care due to the petition of custody from a family member.  I was to take her to her new home the next morning at 10am.  I held in the tears until a few minutes before the meeting was over.  The reality of it began to sink in, and I knew that in less than 24 hours, I would have to say goodbye.

While I hadn't mentioned the possibility of a decision being made that day to A, I tried to prepare her the week prior that it could happen soon.  When we would talk about it, she seemed to be excited to be reunited with her family.  But, I knew her little heart was very conflicted and confused, and there was no way she could grasp the depth of what was about to happen.  I guess that made it easier for me, in a way.  I cried all the way home from the meeting, and tried to pretend I was ok when I walked into my mom's to see A.  I waited a little bit, then broke the news to her.  She seemed a bit stunned, then immediately showed signs of excitement and anticipation.  But almost as quickly as that happened, you could see her face change as reality began to sink in.  She was extra clingy that night and wanted to sit with me or be with me wherever I was.  She told me a couple times she didn't want to go, and she asked a lot of "why" questions.  I reassured her she would have fun, I would still see her, and tried my best to persuade her life would be as normal as it had been for the last nine months. She didn't really fall for it.  While she didn't cry (thankfully), I could tell she wasn't sold on leaving.

The next morning, I was thankful that considering all things, I felt I was holding up pretty well.  I had her things packed and ready to go.  She said her goodbyes to my sister, niece, nephew, and mom.  That was heart wrenching to watch.  We finally got in the car and headed on our way.  I really couldn't tell you much that was said on the drive there.  I was very obviously distracted and in disbelief the day had come.  We arrived, went inside, and I saw her new room.  I was welcomed to stay for a while, but my heart was screaming for me to hurry.  I tried to make it as quick and painless as possible, hoping my emotions would remain hidden until I got in the car.  As we were headed out, the family member asked A to walk outside with us as I left.  She instead chose to sit in a chair and watch me leave.  She just froze.  I hugged her, told her I loved her, and began walking out the door.  I turned around and looked back to find her little head resting on the arm of the chair, starring at me.  I blew her a kiss, told her I loved her, and asked if she was ok.  She didn't respond, just maintained a blank stare, still frozen in the same position.  I knew then I was on the brink of losing it.  I got to my car as fast as I could.  The door closed, and I barely got the car in drive before I started crying.  I wasn't anticipating the deep grief I would feel after leaving her there.  It was worse than I anticipated, worse than I dreamed it would be.  I had to pull over at a nearby parking lot, and I wept for about 20 minutes.  It didn't feel right.  I wasn't convinced the right decision was made.  I didn't know how to do life without her.  It had only been nine months, but my life was consumed by her.  I couldn't, and still can't, switch back to what life was like before her.

Every day gets better, but I've yet to make it 24 hours without crying.  I miss her so badly.  I think about her all the time and wonder what she's doing.  I wonder what clothes she's wearing and how late she sleeps.  I wonder what she's eating and if she's brushed her teeth.  I want to know she's laughing and she's happy.  I am claiming God's promises and Jen's reminder that God rejoices when I rejoice, and He mourns when I mourn.  He sees me still, and He sees A.  He will scoop her up in His arms and somehow, through all the turmoil and pain, surround her with His presence and His peace.  I pray He will raise her above her circumstances and above her surroundings to a place where she sees hope and purpose for her pain.  I pray she always knows she's loved, and she can always count on me to remind her of that.

So, what's next for me?  I'm just really not sure.  I feel certain I'll foster again.  I need time, though.  I need to decompress and reevaluate.  I am not confident in our system or our laws; they are so broken. I don't want to experience the utter sadness I have this week ever again.  However, I believed when making my decision to foster that God would equip me to handle whatever came my way.  I still believe that, and I know He will come through if/when I go for round two.  He will provide.  He always has and He always will.  And, it's not about me; it's about carrying out the scripture.  God says pure religion is caring for these kids.  He says He will come to them, and He does that through us, friends.   There.is.nothing.special about me.  God used my pain of singleness and the desire to have a family to bring me to this path in life.  He uses our experiences to accomplish His plan.  He may be doing that for you, too.  If you've ever felt the desire, or even the curiosity to foster, take the next step!  There are children that need to know true love and security, and God may want to teach them that through YOU!

Feel free to message me on Facebook (or call or text if you have my number) if you have any questions.  I am more than happy to help in any way.

James 1:27

Pork Chop Supreme

Pork Chop Supreme

Ingredients:

4 boneless pork chops

4 thinly sliced potatoes

1 envelope Lipton onion soup mix

1 can cream of mushroom

1/2 cup milk

salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

Brown pork chops in ¼ cup oil, then drain.  Slice potatoes into a medium casserole dish in an even layer.  Place pork chops over potatoes.  Combine onion soup mix, cream of mushroom soup, and milk.  Pour over top of pork chops.  Bake at 350 degrees for one hour.

Slow Cooker Spicy Beef and Bell Peppers

Slow Cooker Spicy Beef and Bell Pepper

Ingredients:

2 lbs beef chuck roast

2 tsp garlic

1/2 medium onion

1/3 cup parsley

4 tsp sriracha

1 tsp black pepper

2 tbsp corn starch

2 tsp salt

1 cup broth

½ cup water

2 cups chopped red and yellow bell pepper

Directions:

Place the meat on the bottom of a slow cooker.  Top with sliced onion and chopped bell pepper.  Sprinkle with salt, pepper, and garlic.

Mix the broth with sriracha.  Pour over the peppers and beef.  Set on high for 3.5-4 hours.

When finished cooking, mix ½ cup of water and two tablespoons corn starch.  Add one cup of liquid from the meat and pepper mixture, and cook on medium heat until boiling.  Then, cook two minutes past boil to remove the cornstarch flavor.  Add this mixture back to the meat and bell peppers.  Sprinkle with chopped parsley, stir, and serve over rice.  **Optional: Drizzle sriracha on top!

Roasted Cauliflower

Roasted Cauliflower (totally eyeballed; no recipe)

Cauliflower (I used a pre-washed and sealed bag from the produce section)

Olive oil

Garlic

Salt/Pepper

Oregano

Parmesan Cheese

In a large bowl, place cauliflower and olive oil.  Toss to coat.  Pour cauliflower on a cooking tray lined with parchment paper.  Sprinkle garlic, salt, pepper, and oregano, then stir to coat evenly.  Bake at 375 until cauliflower starts to sizzle and brown.  Remove from the oven and sprinkle grated Parmesan.  Return to the oven and bake for an 5-10 additional minutes.

Chili Cornbread Casserole Recipe

Trisha Yearwood's Chili Cornbread Casserole (Amy approved)

INGREDIENTS:

1 tablespoon vegetable oil

1 medium onion, chopped

1 ½ pounds lean ground beef

1 ½ cups salsa

1 twelve ounce bag frozen whole-kernel corn, thawed

¼ cup vegetable broth

2 tablespoons chili powder

1 teaspoon ground cumin

salt and pepper

3 eight ounce boxes Jiffy cornbread mix

1 ½ cups whole milk

1 cup shredded chedder cheese

¼ cup sour cream

DIRECTIONS:

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.

In a large skillet over medium heat, heat the oil until shimmering.  Add the onion and sauté until soft, about 5 minutes.  Add ground beef to the onion and sauté until browned and cooked through, 8-10 minutes.  Drain any excess fat.  Stir in the salsa, corn, vegetable broth, chili powder, cumin, salt and pepper.  Transfer the mixture to a 9x13-inch baking dish, smoothing into an even layer.

In a large bowl, mix together the corn muffin mix with about 1 ½ cups milk, or just enough to make it easy to spread.  Spread it thinly over the chili mixture.  Bake until browned on top, 30-35 minutes.  Remove from the oven and set aside for 10 minutes to allow casserole to set.  Top with cheese and sour cream before serving.

Establishing a Routine

It took several days to get into a routine and figure out what she likes to eat and what she doesn’t, what form of discipline she responds to…and what she doesn’t, etc.  Ha!  We got the nighttime routine down first.  We (still) end the night with a bath, reading a book of her choice in the rocking chair, and then watching one tv show.  She usually chooses Sofia the First, Peppa Pig, or Doc McStuffins.  Those seem to be her favorites.  I try to have her in bed by 8:00 every night, although some nights we don’t make it. The first few nights were rough as far as sleeping.  She would beg me to sleep in the bed with her, but I couldn’t due to DHR regulations.  So, she would wake up every night and realize she was in the room alone and call out for me.  Thankfully, I just had to go in there, assure her I was in the room next door, and she would go right back to sleep. I will say, although I understand, I think that rule is a little strict.  For a barely four year old to be expected to sleep in a room alone in a strange place is a lot to ask, in my opinion.  I felt sorry for her and wanted so badly to comfort her.  I tried my best and thankfully, after a week or so, things got much easier.  She was getting used to her surroundings and more comfortable sleeping in her room. 

Mornings are hard.  She is NOT a morning person, just like me.  She would much rather stay up late at night and sleep late in the mornings.  So, while it’s nice to be able to get ready for school without having to entertain her or worry about what she’s doing, it’s difficult to wake her up and force her to get ready for school.  Other than waking her up, I have to say that our mornings are (usually) pretty stress free.  I try to plan what she’s going to wear and set it out.  I choose my clothes and most of the time go ahead and iron them, as well as pack my lunch the night before.  She eats breakfast at school, so it’s super nice not to have to worry about feeding her before we leave.  It takes about 10-15 minutes to get her ready, brush her teeth, and fix her hair.  We are out the door most mornings by 7:30 or earlier.

Discipline has been tricky.  Luckily, she is really well behaved and very rarely has to be punished for misbehavior.  I'm not allowed to spank, so I've had to find other avenues to help her learn that every action comes with consequences.  I had originally thought time out would be a good option, but read that children that have been left alone before or neglected would relive the trauma of those times when placed alone for discipline.  I definitely don't want to do that.  So, I decided started a marble jar in which she earned marbles for sleeping all night in her bed, putting her clothes in her laundry basket, picking up her room, etc.  When she earned all the marbles, she would get a toy or some sort of treat.  I would have her remove marbles when she disobeyed or didn't do what I asked.  At first, removing a marble was traumatic for her.  She would have a complete meltdown.  It gradually got better, but I think the time of the marbles has come and gone.  She isn't interested in putting marbles in her jar any longer.  Now, I have to take away the privilege of reading a book or watching a show before bed.  That seems to work for now, because she really loves doing both.  I'm assuming I'll have to modify that discipline plan at some point, too.  For now, it works.

I’m blessed that she’s a GREAT eater.  She’s itty bitty, but girlfriend can eat!  Her favorites are pizza, chicken nuggets, hashbrowns (the round, little ones) taco soup, chips and cheese dip, and milk.  Disclaimer:  I PROMISE this junk isn’t all she eats.  They just happen to be what she likes most.  (Don’t we all.)

She has adjusted amazingly well.  She visits with her family weekly (even though her parents may or may not show up).  She misses them and loves them dearly, but she is SO happy.  She’s loved playing with Sarah Taylor and Finn, and immediately started calling my mom “Mimi.”  She really enjoys class at church, and she’s made lots of friends there.  She and Gracie are BFFs, she fits in well with Boston, Rhett, Ryder, and Rogan.  She’s just a perfect fit for me and my life.