WARNING: Nothing about this post is postive, nor happy, nor will it make you smile. I am in a mood and not one that I can let go without getting a few things out. If you aren't interested, don't read....with all due respect of course.
Before I begin- To those of you who are still reading and happen to have found your one true companion and are madly in love, I'm genuinely happy for you. I hope you enjoy an entire day on Sunday of relishing the gift God has given you and enjoy being loved. But as for me, I'm so over Valentine's Day. It is by far my least favorite day of the year. Whoever invented it wasn't thinking how miserable it makes those of us feel that are without someone special. Pardon my french, but what the crap am I supposed to do that day?
I am a 33 year old single woman who has officially given up hope of ever meeting a decent man. All the male species has ever done for me is disappoint me, frustrate me, and outright hurt my heart. I go from one "situation" to the next and for some reason, find hope that this time it will be different. WRONG. I'm done. I'm done wishing. I'm done hoping. I'm done working hard to heal my heart only to have it wounded again. I'm done...period. I don't want to look at another guy. I don't want anyone to mention their sister's best friend's cousin's brother to me. I don't want to hear of the like. I've tried it and it stunk. All of those experiences have served to make me question and doubt myself because in the end, if obviously didn't work out. I've been fighting what God's plan for me may be-singleness.
I tear up just typing that word. I pray that isn't God's plan because all I've ever wanted is to have my own family. But, I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being let down. I'm tired of putting hope in stinky men. I'm tired of feeling like a huge part of my life is missing. I am going to have to fill myself with God, because I know that no man will ever complete me the way His love will.
Why, you ask, do I feel the need to type all of this for public display? For one, because this is my blog and I can write what I want. Two, because I feel this strongly about it right now. Three, I feel like if I don't get these feelings off my chest via this blog, a journal (which I don't have) or some other avenue, I'm going to explode. And in some weird way, maybe I can wake some of you up that are living what I only dream of and don't realize every single day how thankful you should be.
I hope you all (and I'm serious, really) have a wonderful Valentine's Day with your husbands. I really do pray that you don't take a day of your marriage and family for granted. I hope that you thank God for that incredible blessing, because some of us are still waiting.
13 comments:
Amy, I just wish I had the greatest of words to comfort you. I just pray that God will! I love you and don't give up waiting.
I had to come back after listening to the song, and let you know that I said one long prayer for you. I LOVE YOU!
Amy. You are in my prayers and have been for a while now. I wish I had the words to make you feel all better. I LOVE you...
Amy - we can spend Sunday together! Really there are no words to make you feel better - it is HARD! You and I need to meet up and catch up!
Alicia
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. You are right that we all need to be more thankful for what we have rather than always complain about certain things.
Praying for you...We love you!
Sister, you never cease to amaze me. I'm proud of you for being bold enough to say what so may others are too afraid to. Singleness is hard, complicated, and straight up doesn't make sense sometimes. I know I don't completely understand because I'm not standing in your shoes, but I think it takes coming to a place of brokenness before God can lift you up and give you what you're looking for. You may have given up, but of course we know God hasn't and never will. Believe that. Chin up stormy face! God knows what's in your future and I'm sure it's something to be excited about!
love you and praying for you always, friend.
Amy, I love you so much!! I hate it so much that your heart is so sad and I wish I new the perfect thing to say. Just know that you have so many people that care a lot of about you and we're all praying for you! Miss you!
so i debated on whether or not to comment because A#1 - i didn't want to reveal myself as a blog stalker and B#2 - i don't think you know me. but i decided to just go for it!! i, too, am in your same "single" position. i turn 30 this summer and wow - did i ever think my life would be way different than what it really is! married. 2, maybe 3 kids by now. that's what "the plan" was. i struggle OFTEN with singleness. sometimes it sucks. but here's what i wanted to remind you of (because lately i've been able to focus more on the positive side, somehow). sometimes it's AWESOME!! you don't have to share your bed. or the covers. you can sleep in the middle all you want and it doesn't matter! and there's nobody snoring to keep you up all night. because i'm pretty sure (and i FEAR) that all men snore. ugh. if you want to go do something, you don't have to ask permission before making plans. and girl time - well, we all know how important it is to spend time with your girls. you get to do that whenever you want! let's not even get into shopping. you want it? you buy it. and you don't even have to sneak it in the house!!! you get the remote at all times. no pretending you don't mind watching something and no feeling bad for the 4 hour lifetime movie you're completely sucked in to!!
now, i'm not saying that all husbands make wives do the above or that marriage is bad or not fun. i WANT to get married some day. i desire more than anything to find someone to love and love me back and to share my life with. i know i'm not the greatest thing, but i think i'm pretty cool (and you are too!) and i think there's some guy out there (well, 2 of them) that God is preparing for us. because He wants the absolute BEST for us. it's all in His timing. and trust me, i know how difficult and frustrating that can be. but in the meantime, HAVE FUN!!! enjoy your friends. your family. and everything around you. and even valentine's day!!
i hope i'm not out of line by saying any of this. trust me, i'm in your position A LOT of the time. this just happens to be the time that i have the positive perspective that's hard to see sometimes. (and when i'm feeling down, i'm going to come back and re-read this so i can be reminded to look at the other side of singleness!) :)
brooke! wow- thank you SO much for sharing this. i agree 100%. i realize there are many times married people would trade their lives for ours...specifically, the times i come home in the afternoons and need to unwind and not speak to anyone for an hour or so. haha! please find me on facebook so we can at least be virtual friends. :) i would love to talk more and share our experiences as we wait for God's plan to reveal itself. thanks, again!
Amy, I teared up reading this. I love you so much and admire you wearing your heart on your sleeve like this. I, too, have nothing magical to say to make you feel all happy-go-lucky, but I will say this:
This makes me think of the movie 'Facing the Giants' that I watched for the first time a couple of weeks ago. The lady who had been trying for years to get pregnant with no luck went in and found out she wasn't pregnant yet again and finally just looked up to God beside her car as she was leaving the doctor's office and said, "I'll still love you." (meaning that she'd still love God even if he didn't ever make her a mother). Then, of course, she finds out that she really is pregnant. I know it's just a movie but that part really spoke to me with things that have happened in my life that were out of my control. I know you still love God--I'm not questioning that AT ALL. It shows every time I'm around you. Where you are is a very hard place to be when you don't understand why your life is not happening the way you want. I love the verse in Psalm 37:4 that says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." That's such a comforting verse but is hard to understand when we think, 'okay, I'm putting God first and he knows the desires of my heart and he's STILL not letting them happen.' I've been there so many times and some things I don't think I'll EVER understand. The thing is that God knows us way more than we even know ourselves. We all have things that we are having to wait to happen and it's very frustrating when we don't understand what God's will is for our life. Somehow, while we're waiting for Him to reveal his plan to us, we have to draw closer to Him and just know that somehow we will be okay even when we think we won't.
I hate that you are in pain. It makes me hurt for you so deeply. Thank you for reminding me to not take John and the girls for granted and thank you for sharing your precious heart with us all.
AMEN SISTER..I agree with everything you said. It is really tough being single and I feel that a lot of times we are overlooked as I hestitate to say this but at church..I have also given up on finding the man that I am meant to spend the rest of life with..My prayer life is suffering because I lack faith in what my life is to be.My heart has also been broken too many times and am also tired of people thinking I am too picky. Someone once told me that when I get to a certain age I should not be soo picky..i was mad and hurt at the comment. We need to get together soon..Love ya Susan
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