Something is Finally New

When people I haven’t seen or spoken to in a while ask me what is new in my life, my response is usually the same…”nothing, really.”  I always joke around and say that maybe one day there will be something exciting to tell.  Well, friends, I think that day has come.  I have felt God tugging on my heart for a while, but it wasn’t until recently that I opened myself to what He had in store.  And I’m so glad I did.

All I’ve ever wanted, and that’s no exaggeration, is a family.  I’ve always dreamed of being married and having children.  I was never drawn to a life as a career woman and never set out to climb the corporate ladder and make a ton of money.  I just desired family.  God tells me that my plans aren’t His, and I trust that.  But it’s still hard to swallow the fact that what I wanted hasn’t happened and may never in the traditional way I planned.  I am still in the process of grieving the possibility that I may never carry a child.  I may never get married.  I hope God has other plans so desperately.  But that’s out of my control.  He just wants me to find joy in all circumstances- in all aspects of my life.  I try every day to be content and comforted in knowing my life is rich(although definitely not financially).  It’s full.  It’s blessed.  It’s more than I deserve. I don’t take a second of it for granted.  However, I think He has something more written in His plans for me.  J 

I’ve been on a new adventure for the last few weeks.  Since early March, I have been taking classes to become a foster parent.  My intention is to eventually adopt through DHR and have a forever family.  It’s terrifying, yet so very exciting at the same time.  I have had my doubts.  I feel guilty to bring a child into a home without two parents.  I wonder if I’ll be able to afford all the things a child will need.  I fear the child will suffer from attachment issues and withdraw from me.  I question if I can handle the stresses that come along with parenting alone.  I could go on and on.  But when I doubt, God whispers in my ear, “religion that I accept as pure is taking care of orphans, Amy.”  He says, “I’m sending you to care for them.”  And I can breathe a little again.  My belief is that if God has put this on my heart, and I KNOW it is His will because He tells us in scripture, then it has to be right.  I believe it will be a blessing.

The main questions I get are 1-When will a child be placed with you? 2-What gender? 3. How old?  4.Will you foster or adopt or both?  I thought I would answer these on my blog not only for my record and memory, but for you.  J

1.     Classes are over mid May, and I have to complete a home study soon after.  Hopefully by the end of May, I will have completed all that is required to be licensed.  After doing so, I literally could get a call hours after.

2.      I didn’t specify a gender.  I almost asked for a little girl, not because I have a preference, but because it breaks my heart to think of a little boy growing up without a father (for now at least).  But as I was filling out the paperwork, I felt like specifying a gender would limit God in what I feel was His plan to begin with.  So, I am accepting either.  I will call upon the Godly men in my life to be an example to this child by spending quality time with him/her.

3.     As far as age, I would love nothing more than to raise a child from birth.  But if I’m honest with myself, parenting a newborn probably isn’t the best option for a single woman that works full-time.  I specified that ideally, a child would be 3-4 years old at the youngest, and maybe 8-10 at the oldest.  HOWEVER, I know they will call me for children outside of my preference.  I’m praying now that if it’s not best for me to have a newborn that they not call.  Because y’all know what’s next….there’s no way I could turn one down if they know he/she is adoptable.  No.way.

4.     My complete and whole intention in doing foster care is to adopt.  Coming into this, my mentality was to only accept children that the social workers had good reason to believe would soon become adoptable.  My mind has changed a little since.  While selfishly that’s what I want, I again feel like I would be limiting God in fulfilling His purposes in my doing this.  Maybe a child needs me for a certain amount of time.  Maybe through God, I have something to share with a child for a certain amount of time.  Maybe it’s not about me…you think? Ugh!  This is a big thing I worry about.  I just don’t know how to bond with a child and then allow them to take it back.  I don’t know how I’ll do it.  But what I do know is that God will equip me if I’m needed.  I’m trying to say YES to God and NO to my fears.  It’s hard.

So, there you go.  Crazy, huh?  Yes.  But absolutely amazing.  I read recently that “if it’s worth fighting for, it’s worth fighting through.”  I believe that.  I will fight through this with the knowledge that I’m partnering with God in this.  My BFF hero Jen Hatmaker says, “I can hardly think of something closer to God’s character, who is the ‘Father to the fatherless, defender of widows’ — this is God, whose dwelling is holy. We are loved with an everlasting love, and it is enough to overwhelm our own fear and shame and humanity. In adoption, God is enough for us all. He can overcome our children’s grief. He can overshadow our own inadequacies. He can sweep up our families in a beautiful story of redemption and hope and healing. If you are afraid of adoption, trying to stiff-arm the call, God is the courage you don’t have. If you are waiting, suffering with longing for your child, God is the determination you need. If you are in the early days of chaos, God is the peace you and your child hunger for. If your family feels lost, He is the stability everyone is looking for. If you are working hard on healing, digging deep with your child, God is every ounce of the hope and restoration and safety and grace.  Can I get an amen?!!! 

And it is with that strength that I press on.  I’m preparing a bedroom, buying toothbrushes (holy moly), washing bed sheets, and thinking about what book I will read to this child first.  I cannot wait. I’m so thankful God chose to write foster care/adoption into my story.

I plan to use this blog to keep you up to date with how things are going.  I covet your prayers, not only for me, but for all the precious children in families right now that are headed to foster care, that are experiencing or about to experience sorrow, abuse, neglect, tragedy, etc.  In Him and in Him only, I can do this.  YOU can do this.  If it’s on your heart, just take the first step.  He.is.enough.