For Such a Time As This...

When I began foster care, my plan was to only accept children believed to be adoptable.  I wanted to protect my heart and never be a caregiver for those I could expect to lose.  While I was in the process of finishing my certification, I got to meet Jen Hatmaker (I'm just a tad obsessed with her...) and hear her speak one weekend in Birmingham last April.  It was as if she planned her entire lesson based on my life and what God needed to share with me in those two short days.  I wrote down every word that came out of her mouth and realized at that moment those very words were changing my life.  She said,  "One of the reasons we struggle to believe is that we simply cannot do what God's asking us to do.  Our limits blind us to God's capacity.  You do not need to have full confidence in yourself to say 'yes.' Faith doesn't erase insecurity, doubt, suffering, or fear.  It simply overcomes those things.  We know for SURE that God is capable, higher, good, and trustworthy.  What God wants accomplished will be accomplished.  We are too often unaware of His hand in our story.  If we would begin to notice His hand in our lives, we would be a lot less confused."  And, there is was.  It was then that I knew.  I knew God's plans for me in foster care were bigger than what I planned for myself.  I knew I had to say "yes" to God and no to my fears and questions.  That realization lead me to say "yes" when I was asked to take a four to six week placement on November 2, 2015.

What was supposed to be a four to six week placement ended up being three days short of nine months.  I've shared some of my experience in previous posts.  I didn't write as much as I wanted, because I was absolutely positively exhausted a little tired.  My lazy nights were replaced with cooking dinner, baths, stories, and bedtime prayers.  I fell in love with her and her precious personality the first night.  It was just the two of us, figuring it out together.  To me, we were a perfect pair.  I remember the feeling of complete fulfillment I had early on in the process.  I couldn't wait to pick her up from daycare every day.  It was the cutest thing: She would see me, scream, and take off running to give me a hug.  Her teacher told me she asked several times a day when I would be there to take her home. We had so much fun together.   I tried to fit in as many experiences as I could to teach her consistency, stability, unconditional love, and the faithfulness of her heavenly Father.  One of the funniest things she ever said was in the car on the way home one night.  She asked me what God looked like.  Before I could drum up an answer, I heard her sweet little voice in the backseat say, "Dear God, please send me down a picture from heaven so I'll know what you look like.  I'm at the Kangaroo (gas station)."  I thought it was so hilarious that she felt she had to tell God her location...as if He didn't know.  I pray her understanding of Him and the story He is writing in her life continues to grow, and she can look back on her time with me knowing this was all a part of His perfect plan.

While we shared many laughs and had lots of great times, fostering wasn't all sunshine and rainbows.  It's the best thing I've ever done, but it's simultaneously the most physically, mentally, and emotionally draining.  Discipline was a big struggle.  I wasn't allowed to spank, so I had to be creative to find what would work best to teach her to make better choices.  I don't know that we ever figured it out, completely.  It was super hard for me to find the balance between holding her accountable for her actions and giving her some grace due to her situation.  Maintaining positive and healthy relationships with her family members was really important to me, also.  I often held my true feelings and thoughts inside to prevent awkwardness or confrontation.  I couldn't make sense of many things they said or decisions they made, but it was clear we all agreed that our first priority was this precious baby girl.

Skip over to June 28, 2016- The dreaded meeting.  I was told that more than likely, a decision would be made to transfer placement to a family member.  A's family, their attorneys, DHR, and I gathered for an ISP meeting to discuss the plan.  While I can't disclose details of the meeting, it was decided she would leave my care due to the petition of custody from a family member.  I was to take her to her new home the next morning at 10am.  I held in the tears until a few minutes before the meeting was over.  The reality of it began to sink in, and I knew that in less than 24 hours, I would have to say goodbye.

While I hadn't mentioned the possibility of a decision being made that day to A, I tried to prepare her the week prior that it could happen soon.  When we would talk about it, she seemed to be excited to be reunited with her family.  But, I knew her little heart was very conflicted and confused, and there was no way she could grasp the depth of what was about to happen.  I guess that made it easier for me, in a way.  I cried all the way home from the meeting, and tried to pretend I was ok when I walked into my mom's to see A.  I waited a little bit, then broke the news to her.  She seemed a bit stunned, then immediately showed signs of excitement and anticipation.  But almost as quickly as that happened, you could see her face change as reality began to sink in.  She was extra clingy that night and wanted to sit with me or be with me wherever I was.  She told me a couple times she didn't want to go, and she asked a lot of "why" questions.  I reassured her she would have fun, I would still see her, and tried my best to persuade her life would be as normal as it had been for the last nine months. She didn't really fall for it.  While she didn't cry (thankfully), I could tell she wasn't sold on leaving.

The next morning, I was thankful that considering all things, I felt I was holding up pretty well.  I had her things packed and ready to go.  She said her goodbyes to my sister, niece, nephew, and mom.  That was heart wrenching to watch.  We finally got in the car and headed on our way.  I really couldn't tell you much that was said on the drive there.  I was very obviously distracted and in disbelief the day had come.  We arrived, went inside, and I saw her new room.  I was welcomed to stay for a while, but my heart was screaming for me to hurry.  I tried to make it as quick and painless as possible, hoping my emotions would remain hidden until I got in the car.  As we were headed out, the family member asked A to walk outside with us as I left.  She instead chose to sit in a chair and watch me leave.  She just froze.  I hugged her, told her I loved her, and began walking out the door.  I turned around and looked back to find her little head resting on the arm of the chair, starring at me.  I blew her a kiss, told her I loved her, and asked if she was ok.  She didn't respond, just maintained a blank stare, still frozen in the same position.  I knew then I was on the brink of losing it.  I got to my car as fast as I could.  The door closed, and I barely got the car in drive before I started crying.  I wasn't anticipating the deep grief I would feel after leaving her there.  It was worse than I anticipated, worse than I dreamed it would be.  I had to pull over at a nearby parking lot, and I wept for about 20 minutes.  It didn't feel right.  I wasn't convinced the right decision was made.  I didn't know how to do life without her.  It had only been nine months, but my life was consumed by her.  I couldn't, and still can't, switch back to what life was like before her.

Every day gets better, but I've yet to make it 24 hours without crying.  I miss her so badly.  I think about her all the time and wonder what she's doing.  I wonder what clothes she's wearing and how late she sleeps.  I wonder what she's eating and if she's brushed her teeth.  I want to know she's laughing and she's happy.  I am claiming God's promises and Jen's reminder that God rejoices when I rejoice, and He mourns when I mourn.  He sees me still, and He sees A.  He will scoop her up in His arms and somehow, through all the turmoil and pain, surround her with His presence and His peace.  I pray He will raise her above her circumstances and above her surroundings to a place where she sees hope and purpose for her pain.  I pray she always knows she's loved, and she can always count on me to remind her of that.

So, what's next for me?  I'm just really not sure.  I feel certain I'll foster again.  I need time, though.  I need to decompress and reevaluate.  I am not confident in our system or our laws; they are so broken. I don't want to experience the utter sadness I have this week ever again.  However, I believed when making my decision to foster that God would equip me to handle whatever came my way.  I still believe that, and I know He will come through if/when I go for round two.  He will provide.  He always has and He always will.  And, it's not about me; it's about carrying out the scripture.  God says pure religion is caring for these kids.  He says He will come to them, and He does that through us, friends.   There.is.nothing.special about me.  God used my pain of singleness and the desire to have a family to bring me to this path in life.  He uses our experiences to accomplish His plan.  He may be doing that for you, too.  If you've ever felt the desire, or even the curiosity to foster, take the next step!  There are children that need to know true love and security, and God may want to teach them that through YOU!

Feel free to message me on Facebook (or call or text if you have my number) if you have any questions.  I am more than happy to help in any way.

James 1:27

Establishing a Routine

It took several days to get into a routine and figure out what she likes to eat and what she doesn’t, what form of discipline she responds to…and what she doesn’t, etc.  Ha!  We got the nighttime routine down first.  We (still) end the night with a bath, reading a book of her choice in the rocking chair, and then watching one tv show.  She usually chooses Sofia the First, Peppa Pig, or Doc McStuffins.  Those seem to be her favorites.  I try to have her in bed by 8:00 every night, although some nights we don’t make it. The first few nights were rough as far as sleeping.  She would beg me to sleep in the bed with her, but I couldn’t due to DHR regulations.  So, she would wake up every night and realize she was in the room alone and call out for me.  Thankfully, I just had to go in there, assure her I was in the room next door, and she would go right back to sleep. I will say, although I understand, I think that rule is a little strict.  For a barely four year old to be expected to sleep in a room alone in a strange place is a lot to ask, in my opinion.  I felt sorry for her and wanted so badly to comfort her.  I tried my best and thankfully, after a week or so, things got much easier.  She was getting used to her surroundings and more comfortable sleeping in her room. 

Mornings are hard.  She is NOT a morning person, just like me.  She would much rather stay up late at night and sleep late in the mornings.  So, while it’s nice to be able to get ready for school without having to entertain her or worry about what she’s doing, it’s difficult to wake her up and force her to get ready for school.  Other than waking her up, I have to say that our mornings are (usually) pretty stress free.  I try to plan what she’s going to wear and set it out.  I choose my clothes and most of the time go ahead and iron them, as well as pack my lunch the night before.  She eats breakfast at school, so it’s super nice not to have to worry about feeding her before we leave.  It takes about 10-15 minutes to get her ready, brush her teeth, and fix her hair.  We are out the door most mornings by 7:30 or earlier.

Discipline has been tricky.  Luckily, she is really well behaved and very rarely has to be punished for misbehavior.  I'm not allowed to spank, so I've had to find other avenues to help her learn that every action comes with consequences.  I had originally thought time out would be a good option, but read that children that have been left alone before or neglected would relive the trauma of those times when placed alone for discipline.  I definitely don't want to do that.  So, I decided started a marble jar in which she earned marbles for sleeping all night in her bed, putting her clothes in her laundry basket, picking up her room, etc.  When she earned all the marbles, she would get a toy or some sort of treat.  I would have her remove marbles when she disobeyed or didn't do what I asked.  At first, removing a marble was traumatic for her.  She would have a complete meltdown.  It gradually got better, but I think the time of the marbles has come and gone.  She isn't interested in putting marbles in her jar any longer.  Now, I have to take away the privilege of reading a book or watching a show before bed.  That seems to work for now, because she really loves doing both.  I'm assuming I'll have to modify that discipline plan at some point, too.  For now, it works.

I’m blessed that she’s a GREAT eater.  She’s itty bitty, but girlfriend can eat!  Her favorites are pizza, chicken nuggets, hashbrowns (the round, little ones) taco soup, chips and cheese dip, and milk.  Disclaimer:  I PROMISE this junk isn’t all she eats.  They just happen to be what she likes most.  (Don’t we all.)

She has adjusted amazingly well.  She visits with her family weekly (even though her parents may or may not show up).  She misses them and loves them dearly, but she is SO happy.  She’s loved playing with Sarah Taylor and Finn, and immediately started calling my mom “Mimi.”  She really enjoys class at church, and she’s made lots of friends there.  She and Gracie are BFFs, she fits in well with Boston, Rhett, Ryder, and Rogan.  She’s just a perfect fit for me and my life.

I'm a PARENT!

The day after A came to live with me, we had a hearing in which the judge would decide if it was necessary for her to have been removed from the home.  Depending on the verdict, she would either stay with me or go to a relative placement.  I was super nervous.  It’s a strange feeling walking into a courthouse with someone else’s child, knowing they are about to fight for her and petition the court for her back.  I didn’t know what they looked like or who they were, yet I was taking care of what was sure to be most precious to them.  A lady led me straight to a door, and when I walked in I was at the front of the actual courtroom.  I assumed I wouldn’t be a part of the actual hearing, but was needed to bring A in case she was returned to her family.  That definitely wasn’t the case.  A social worker took her to a room to play while the court proceedings got underway.  The attorney told me I was on the list of those allowed to be inside the room as the hearings took place.  I watched as the sheriff walked in, we stood as the judge walked in with her black robe, and I was as nervous as I would have been had I been bungee jumping off the Empire State Building.  I listened as both parties went back and forth pleading their case to the judge.  Thankfully, she agreed that it was in A’s best interest to stay in custody of DHR and return home with me.  I was told she would be with me for 4-6 weeks.

Once court was dismissed, they whisked us away through a staircase at the back of the building to avoid seeing any family members as we were exiting.  I was told I needed to take A to DHR immediately and meet the social worker, as well as some members of her family and their attorney to devise a plan for the coming weeks.  This is called an ISP meeting.  I met A’s mom.  She’s really nice, and I can tell that she loves her dearly.  She asked if she could hug me, which made us both emotional.  She thanked me for taking care of her daughter and told me how much she loved her.  She gave me numerous reasons she was a fit parent and told me she was going to do whatever she had to in order to get well and bring A home.  I told her I wasn’t there to judge her and promised I would love her child until she was well enough to do it again herself.   We discussed goals for her and what was expected of her in order to regain custody, and we planned times for weekly family visitation.  I expected a social worker to walk us out and accompany me as A said goodbye to her family.  That was an awkward situation to witness for sure.  What made it even more awkward was that when we walked out of the building, A chose to hold me hand instead of her mom’s.  I could tell her mom was visibly upset, then she put her hand on my shoulder and said, “now don’t let her get attached to you.”  How was I to respond to that?  I don’t even remember what I said.  She hugged her family and got in my car just as if she were going to see them again in an hour.  I just couldn’t believe how well she was handling such a terrible and sad situation. 

We went to lunch after the meeting.  It was surreal looking at such a precious little girl, knowing I was her foster mom.  I was a PARENT!  Biological or not, I was her sole provider, her comforter, her nurturer, her everything for the next undisclosed amount of time.  I’m telling you- I don’t think I’d ever felt more fulfilled in my life.

Our First Day

“She’s precious.”  That’s the description I got on the phone of the little girl that needed a placement.  This all happened so suddenly.  Just hours before, I was working through finding out the process with E was going to be long, as well as coming to grips with the probability that God more than likely had another plan for me.  I had mixed feelings.  I knew deep down I needed to move forward, but at the same time, I felt like I was letting E down in allowing another child to be placed with me.  There were so many things running around in my head as I heard the social worker say, “She just turned four years old.  She has blonde hair and blue eyes.  She doesn’t have any behavioral or medical issues.  I think she would be a perfect fit for you.”   I didn’t have many other details.  I wasn’t sure what brought her to me other than drugs, and I wasn’t sure how long I would have her.  Even so, after hearing all these things, it just all of a sudden seemed clear.  I knew this was the next step in my fostering process.  I said yes.  And a few short hours later, she arrived at my doorstep.

To say I was nervous was an understatement.  I had been preparing for this moment for months, but the knowledge it was finally happening was enough to make my heart feel like it was beating out of my chest.  I was pacing back and forth in the kitchen watching out the window for a car to pull in my driveway.  Finally, one did.  I watched as the car door opened and the light inside the car came on.  I could see her in the back seat, dressed in a navy and pink outfit with sparkly little black boots.  She was adorable.  She didn’t even seem scared.  She was extremely talkative.  She was laughing and asking about what toys I had.  I was absolutely dumbfounded by how well she seemed to have transitioned, even after the first few minutes.  The social worker only stayed a short time, then I was left alone with little “A.”  We went upstairs so I could show her around.  She immediately began looking through the miniscule amount of toys I had accumulated and found something to play with.  We sang songs, fingerpainted, and pretty much did whatever she asked to do.  I finally got her to sleep, then went to bed in awe.  How many months had I spent taking classes, completing paperwork, painting a bedroom, decorating it….all for this.  It was finally happening!  I don’t know how long it took me to fall asleep.  I was nervous about the next day and what I would find out in court.  But all I knew at that moment was how happy I was that I said, “YES!”

*Follow-up with E: Less than two weeks after I took A, my friend that was fostering E told me she was pregnant.  Because of the stress she was under with E’s behavior and family situation, as well as a medical condition, she was requesting that E be placed with another family.  At that time, I didn’t even have a choice.  There was no way I could parent two foster children alone…not right now, anyway.  I was sad.  But mostly, I was relieved.  I thought back to when my wise friend told me to seek peace and God would make it abundantly clear what I should do.  My, how she was right. 

 I felt like God unfolded my story just as HE wanted it.  It definitely wasn’t my plan a month before, but He changed things.  I’m so glad He did.