It's Just Real Life

You may find this post different than most of my others.  I typically don't post things too personal and attempt to keep my blog light hearted and fun.  But, this is real.  And somtimes I think we aren't real often enough.  The truth is, my life isn't all rainbows and gumdrops.  I don't sit at home and make new pinterest projects or try out new recipes 24/7 like my blog may depict.  My reality is this:  I am a sufferer of generalized anxiety disorder.  It pains me to admit it, and I'm really not quite sure why I'm choosing to write about it.  I just feel like maybe someone somewhere will come across this post at just the right time and find some sort of light from my momentary troubles.  I don't know what God's plan is, but I feel led to share my thoughts.

If you've never experienced anxiety attacks or panic disorder, get on your knees and thank God now.  It is the most debilitating and miserable thing I have ever experienced in my lifetime.  We've all gotten stressed, frazzled, feel frantic, and want to scream.  Hear me loud and clear.  That is NOT what I speak of here.  When you feel you have lost touch with all reality, struggle to hold on to the rope that is life, feel it almost impossible to get out of bed and begin the day, and experience the feeling of impending doom- that at any moment your life will be gone- then you've had the type of panic attacks/depression/anxiety I'm talking about. 

I had my first panic attack in 2000, and with the help of medicine, have been pretty successful in treating them...until about four weeks ago.  Those of you close to me know a good friend of mine was in a car accident and was med-flighted to Huntsville for treatment.  Praise God she is recovering and will be okay, but the trauma and stress I suffered in being at the hospital and witnessing her experience is what I believe triggered my "relapse," if you will.  (***Very important note: In NO way am I attempting to imply my struggles are in any way equal or worse than hers or anyone else's.  To assume that would be an enormous misconception.)  Since my dad died a few years ago, being inside a hospital brings about anxiety.  As is my fashion, I maintained my composure in the midst of  the "madness," and dealt with it days after.  I don't know why, but my anxiety tends to have delayed reactions.  After visiting with my doctor, we decided it best to change my medication.  That was 25 days ago, and my world has been rocked to the core.  Unfortunately, with SSRI's it takes up to six weeks for your body to become used to the mediciation and for it to take effect.  This period of time for me has been almost unbearable.  Sure, I've had small fleating moments where I laugh and can find joy in certain situations, but for the most part I've become a poster 'adult' for anxiety.  I have become scared to leave my home for fear of having an anxiety attack.  I have felt void of hope that my future would look anything unlike what I see in the midst of this.  I have cried more tears than I care to admit.  I have felt as if something in my body has gone so awry that it was going to literally self destruct. I have questioned why in the world my God would want His child to suffer as I have.  I don't know the answers to any of these just yet, but here's what I know for sure.

1.  My God is MIGHTY and He is FAITHFUL.  In my struggles, He allows me to see just what He can do and as He says- "His power is made perfect in my weakness."
2.  He gives me an opportunity to comfort others.  I fear some will misunderstand this post as my search for pity.  Please hear me again...that is NOT what I seek.  I believe through this, God is and will use me to comfort someone else. 
3.  He has provided an opportunity for the suffering of Jesus to flow into my life.  It connects me to Jesus in a way I haven't been before.
4.  I know, for a FACT, I absolutely, positively cannot rely on myself anymore.  The One that sustains me and helps me keep going is the one that raises the dead! He breaks my independent spirit and makes me dependent on His Holy Spirit and His grace.  I have never, EVER felt more dependent upon my Father than now.

I don't know that I've ever been tested in my faith as I have through this.  But if you're suffering and Satan has tempted you to question God- don't give in for a minute.  Just hang on......

"I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on, and there will be an end to this trouble.  But until that day comes, STILL I WILL PRAISE YOU..."

On A Scale of 1-10...

How well do you like this comforter?  I'm in the market for a new one.  I refuse to paint my walls beacuse 1- I hate to paint and 2- I still like the color.  It's light blue, which I hope would match the color in this comforter.  I'm looking for something with lots of color, opposite the black/white/gray theme I have now.  My furniture came over on the ark with Noah and is black. If you beg me you master crafters, I might just let someone paint it some bright random color, too. But only if you beg me. ;)  By the way- what do I do for a bedskirt here?  Because I will need one.  In my dream world, I want to totally re-decorate my master bedroom and include a sitting area.  I'd love a cute chair and little table against the wall, facing the tv. 
We'll start with a comforter though...

Creamy Broccoli Cheese Soup

I'm on a roll, folks!  If it weren't for Pinterest, I'd say I'm a Paula Deen in the making.  I was craving soup last week, and pinned a random recipe for Broccoli Cheese Soup.  It sounded simple enough, so I bought the ingredients (only five of them!) this weekend and made it tonight.  Oh.my.word.  It far surpassed my expectations and is in fact, the BEST broccoli cheese soup I have ever tasted.  It's just perfect.  I would go as far to say it blows Panera out of the water and would compete with any fancy schmancy restaurants out there.  If you loved my honey chicken, you won't want to miss this!

Broccoli Cheese Soup

1/2 cup onions, chopped

2 tablespoons butter

1 (10 ounce) can of cream of chicken soup

1 1/2 cups milk

1 lb Velveeta cheese, cubed

Saute onion in butter.  Combine all ingredients in crockpot and cook on low for 3-4 hours.  Do not add salt.

**I wanted to speed up the process, so I bought a bag of broccoli I could steam in the microwave.  I then sauteed my onions and put the already steamed broccoli in the crockpot.  I cooked about an hour on high and it was perfect.  

And, you're welcome.  :)

U-T-I Equals T-M-I

I am willing to admit it now...I am NOT a good patient.  I never have been.  I am a wimp and don't deal well with not feeling good and being stuck inside a house all day and night.  I wasn't sure about whether to blog about my being sick this week because honestly, a UTI is just weird to talk about.  I felt very odd telling the doctor details about my visits to the restroom and quite frankly, feeling like I had to pee every dadgum second.  How embarrassing!  Speaking of embarrassing, so is having to pee in a cup and walk with it THROUGH THE WAITING ROOM to return it to the nurse!  Have mercy!

I just need to say this.....these things are AWFUL!  I had heard horror stories but man, I wasn't prepared.  Who knew it would make me feel like I had the flu, go through two rolls of toilet paper in a day (Don't say I didn't warn you), feel like I had a stomach virus, too, AND run fever?  T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E!  Thankfully, I am armed with antibiotics and finally feel like I can re-join the land of the living as of today.  This thing did a number on me, I tell ya.  Hallelujah for healing!

Three Cheese Tortellini Soup

This soup is sooooooo good!!!

I got this recipe a couple weeks ago and finally got around to making it tonight.  Honestly, I questioned how good it would be because there are so few ingredients and the directions are so simple.  My skeptical self had a bite.....and another, and several more.  I will now be making this regularly.  It's wonderful.  It's fast.  It makes enough to feed five or six people.  It's inexpensive.  Let's face it.  It's perfect, people.  Stir up a simple cornbread muffin mix and you have yourself a meal.

1 package Three Cheese Tortellini

1 lb ground beef

1 can Italian diced tomatoes

1 jar picante sauce

1 tablespoon basil

3 cans chicken broth

Brown ground beef.. (I cooked it in the microwave using my Pampered Chef Micro Cooker for eight minutes.) Boil tortellini and drain.  Mix all ingredients together until warm.  

Enjoy!

Dreaming of Chevron

Where are those questionnaires, ladies?  Let's go, now!  Chop Chop!!

So, I've been in the "I want to rearrange furniture and redecorate my whole house" type of mood lately.  It all started when I sent a big plant from my foyer to the curb...literally.  I never watered it, it was ugly, completely dried up, and frankly I just didn't want it in my house any longer.  In taking out the plant, I'm left with an entire corner of my foyer empty.  The space looks so much bigger now, and I just want to redecorate the entire area! Here are pictures of what I'm dealing with.

 

I've had the black table since I moved in.  It used to be under the mirror, but it left the doorway to the kitchen a little crowded.  I decided to move it to it's current location and it makes the area much more open.  Also, I always wanted a lamp on top of the table, but there wasn't an outlet on that wall.  Now that I've moved it to where you see it above, I do have an outlet.  I will be getting a cute lamp to go in my entryway asap.  I think it would be good to add some height. I'm thinking about moving the black corked cabinet door over the light switch and painting a canvas with my favorite verse on it to go over the black table.  I also want a round chevron rug to go in the doorway.  I need something large to cover the majority of the floor because some freak of nature person thought white laminate flooring was the way to go back then.  It is super hard to keep clean and regardless of how often I mop, it just looks dirty to me. Next issue....the wall with the mirror looks empty with nothing below it now.  There isn't enough space for another table or shelf.  Do I leave it or what other options do I have?  I'm open to suggestions.  So, all you Martha Stewarts and Candance Olsen's, hop on it!

I Love These!

....Questionnaires.  More than I love posting them, I love reading YOUR answers.  If you copy and paste this post, change my answers to your own and re-post, I will enter your name into a drawing for a $100 gift card from Target.  Okay, that's a lie.  But I will really be happy.  Just do it.

1.  Most hated chore on the household chore list? Definitely cleaning the shower

2.  What bad habits of other people drive you crazy? Incorrect grammar, smacking

3.  What is your worst travel experience? Getting sick on the flight from Las Vegas to Oakland, CA

4.  Last thing you ate? Kashi crackers

5.  Favorite lunch meat? honey ham

6.  Favorite cereal? too many- Banana Nut Cheerios at the moment

7.  Where's the farthest you've been from home? Antigua

8.  Favorite TV show? BIG BROTHER- in mourning the finale is tomorrow night

9.  What time did you go to bed last night?  11ish
10. If you could learn to do anything, what would it be? for sure play the piano
11. If you have 30 minutes of free time, what do you do?  pinterest/facebook/blog
12.  What did you do growing up that got you in trouble?  I had a very bad "smart mouth"- feel guilty about it
13.  What one thing do you miss about being a kid? no financial responsibility
14.  Song stuck in your head today? Amazed by Zoe
15.  If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to? anything that didn't start
       with an A, so my monogram initials wouldn't be aBc
16.  Sweet or salty? salty
17.  Favorite home cooked meal? My mom's meatloaf and mac n' cheese (INCREDIBLE)
18.  Favorite grab and go meal? Fuji apple chicken salad from Panera
19.  Have you ever been horseback riding? once when i was little- thing bucked me right off
20.  Favorite soup? Potato or Tomato Basil

Who's next?

P.S.  I've loved hearing several of you say you tried the Honey Garlic Chicken this week.  Hope you loved it as much as I did!