Foster Care Catch Up...

I'm waaaaay behind, and a lot of life has happened since I last posted.  I'm going to try my best to write several "catch up" posts, because I never want to forget anything about this beautiful yet emotionally draining process.  :)

Picking up where my last post left off............My home study was scheduled for one day at 11:00 am.  I was running around frantically taking care of last minute details before the social worker arrived.  I sat down for a second to check my email and found one from her.  She regretfully informed me she would have to cancel her visit that day.  I was devastated.  All of that work and she wasn't even going to come.  I was told she would call me in a few days to reschedule.  By that time, school was about to start.  I was stressed about getting my classroom ready and even though I had yet to hear from my social worker about rescheduling the home study, I honestly didn't have time to worry about it at the moment.  I let a couple weeks pass, and I still never heard anything.   In the meantime, I began spending time with a little girl that a couple I met in class was fostering.  We'll call her "E." She and her husband didn't have the desire to adopt as I do, however, we knew E was likely to be adoptable.  The biological parents were doing nothing they'd been asked to be reunified with the child.  They didn't have any luck finding a relative placement, so I was praying diligently about adopting her myself once I became licensed.  She had many challenges, understandably, from the lack of a structured environment for the last four years.  She struggled in school, her grades were terrible, and her behavior was less than desirable, to say the least.  I kept her for six days while her foster parents were out of town.  I loved it, but let me tell you...it was HARD.  She came to me with lice.  Friends, I almost lost myself that day.  Lice was/is actually one of, if not my biggest fear in this process.  I wasn't concerned with how to parent a child or dealing with their family, I was concerned about lice.  I guess God decided I needed to go ahead and deal with that one immediately.  We treated her and thank goodness, she was clear the rest of the time I had her.  She cried when I dropped her off to meet the bus.  One morning, I almost had to shove her onto the bus because I didn't think she was going to let go of me.  Talk about heart-wrenching.  She called me mom around the second day (sigh).  It was a crazy exhausting yet fulfilling experience.  It was an experience that left me a little confused about what the best thing would be as far as adopting her, though.  She deserved someone to fight for her.  She deserved someone to walk through the "mess" with her.  But, I'm alone.  Do I want to sign myself up for a lifetime of stress and anxiety due to the extra needs she may have growing up?  I wasn't sure.  I continued to spend time with her as I prayed for guidance in what to do.  I was told the termination of her parents' rights would begin soon, and on October 27, she would be cleared to move in with me.  (In the meantime, I was told my social worker could no longer take my case due to a family emergency.  So, I was assigned a new one, and the home study process had to start all over.  I finally became licensed at the end of August/early September.)  I continued spending time with E about once a week and continued to pray about what decision to make as far as this little girl goes. As the end of October was approaching, I found out her parents were informed of the plan to terminate their rights.  They then began doing as little as possible to keep that from happening.  They still weren't complying with the instructions given to them by DHR, but they did enough to maintain communication with E.  The October 27 date was pushed back.  After emailing E's social worker, I was basically told (in my own words) that if E would become adoptable, it could be a long time before that happens.  She told me her parents' attorney would fight it, and she seemed as if she didn't completely discount the possibility of E going back to them.  I knew then that I shouldn't continue to put all my eggs in that one basket.  By this time I could have gotten another placement, but I put that on hold in hopes things would work out with E.  I was tormented by the decision of whether to adopt her or not anyway, and a wise friend told me, "Amy, this is torturing you.  Stop trying to decide what you're going to do and start seeking peace.  God will make your decision clear when the time comes."  I knew I had to move forward.  I wasn't giving up completely on E, but I decided to be open to the possibility of other placements while I waited for God to move in her situation.  Just hours later, I got a call asking if I'd be willing to take a four year old little girl in need of a home.  I said yes.

To be continued...

Two Days

     My heart is beating so fast as I begin writing this post.  In just two days...two SHORT days, I will have my home study.  I've been anticipating this day for two months.  I thought by now it would have already come and gone, and I honestly expected to already have a placement by this point in the summer.  The only thought that calms me is reminding myself that this entire process is and has been all about God and His timing.  While I want to rush the process and hurry the social worker in getting here and giving me that license, I know that if God has the "perfect" child for me, I have to sit back and let Him do His work and give His gifts.  It's tough.  The closer I get to welcoming a child into my home, the more nervous I get.  I'm not gonna lie, Satan has been trying his best to yell lies at me and persuade me to believe this is all wrong.  I had a day last week that I sat in a chair and cried for about an hour, wondering if I was crazy for doing this and even considered (only for a minute) calling and telling DHR that I needed to back out for now.  It's crazy what Satan will do and the extremes he will go to in order to tempt me to stray from what I know for sure is God's plan.  Even crazier is the fact that I don't worry about parenting, but I worry about logistics.  I worry mainly about financial stability.  I worry if I'm out of my mind to think I can afford a child.  (Maybe I am...God is gonna have a chance to show out on this one, because boy, am I gonna need His help financially!)  But say it with me, "Religion that our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans"...James 1:27.  This HAS to be the right thing.  If it's on my heart, He will equip me with whatever I need to handle any situation I will encounter in this journey.
     The room is ready.  As I type this, I am looking through the door of my bedroom into the bedroom of my future child.  I dream about laying on the floor in the reading corner that I've so carefully constructed and reading his/her favorite books.  I can't wait to say prayers together before bed and talk to him/her openly about God and His goodness.  I look forward to experiencing the first time this child will grab my hand for comfort or offer a hug.  I absolutely cannot wait to (pending God's plan) give my mom another grandchild and give Sarah Taylor and Finn a cousin.  I want my sister to know the pure joy that is having a niece or nephew.  Will I be buying a Halloween costume this year? And Christmas....CHRISTMAS!!!!  Will I get to (finally) experience wrapping gifts and pretending to be Santa on Christmas Eve this year?  Making cookies for Santa and leaving carrots on the table for the reindeer...I can't take it. What a story of redemption- for me and for this precious child.  I just cannot wait.
     I need your prayers, friends.  There are many, many hurdles awaiting me before I can celebrate an adoption.  I ask you to specifically pray for the timing of everything.  School is starting soon.  I don't know that I can accept a placement during the first couple weeks of school with all the appointments, possible court dates, and ISP meetings that will have to take place upon receiving a child.  It would be super hard to miss school that soon after the new year begins.  I just do not in any way want to thwart God's plan by being selfish, but also want to be realistic and not subject a child to the stress I know I would feel if they were to come to me during that time.  Right now, I'm torn as to what to do.  I just never ever want to wonder if I've gotten in the way of what God has in store.
     I'm taking deep breaths, and I'm continuing to do my best in giving it all to God.  It's exciting to think about the possibility of something so huge, so wonderful, so fulfilling happening in my life in the near future.  It's crazy to wonder if this....if THIS is what my purpose has been all these years.  I'm in awe.  All glory to God.

Love you, friends.

Mom's Hush Puppy Recipe

If I haven't made it known by now, let me take a second and tell you what a phenomenal cook my mom is!  Everything she makes is delicious.  The only problem is that she rarely uses a recipe.  She throws in a little of this and a little of that- and it works.  It always works!  She hasn't made hush puppies in a really long time, but they're a signature dish in her kitchen.  She made them a lot when I was growing up, and I always remember how much I enjoyed them.  I don't know what makes them different than any others, but they're my favorite.  The other day, I asked her to make them so I could watch and learn. We measured the ingredients, and I watched every move she made so I could attempt them later myself.  It was SO much fun.  I can't think of a better teacher.  We both loved being in the kitchen together and agreed we needed to do it again soon.  Next on the list is her meatloaf, blueberry syrup, vinaigrette dressing, hamburger steak, and orange muffins.  I'm telling you, she needs to open a cafe.  (That's my dream- to work and cook in a cute little cafe on the corner...learned something new about me.)

Here's the recipe!

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups corn meal
1/2 cup flour
1/4 cup sugar
dash of salt
3/4 onion, diced
1 1/4 cup milk (You do have to eyeball the amount of milk to a certain extent.  You don't want the mixture to be too runny.  Per mom: Once you stir all ingredients together, you want the mixture to stay on the spoon without dripping.  That's how you know you have the right consistency.)

Drop mixture by spoonfuls into oil and fry until golden brown.

Update

Classes are done!!!  I can't believe the ten week process I began in March to become a licensed foster parent is coming to a close.  My last class was Monday night.  We had guest speakers including an attorney, a child advocate worker, foster parents, and even a couple foster children.  It was so inspiring, and if I needed any more confirmation this was the right thing, I got it.  I wept listening to stories they shared.  I just have no doubt this is going to be the most difficult yet rewarding thing I've ever done.

I hope to turn in all of my paperwork Monday or Tuesday so they can schedule the initial home visit. They come and do a walk through to show me what all I need to do as far as making my home secure and ready for a child.  I have to lock medicines in a box, put cleaners out of reach, install cabinet safety locks, outlet covers, etc.  It's pretty extreme, but at the same time, you can't be too safe.  After this first visit, they will give me time to complete everything they ask, then return for the final visit.  I was kinda disappointed to hear this could take a month or so.  I was hoping the process would be much shorter.  I have to remind myself that it's all about God's timing, though.  If everything goes as planned, I will be completely finished with everything by the end of June.  I could get a call hours later!

Thank you, THANK YOU, for all your prayers, words of encouragement, and support.  It takes a village, and I covet your prayers continuously.  I'll update again when home visits are done.  Also coming soon are pictures of the new bedroom! :)

Something is Finally New

When people I haven’t seen or spoken to in a while ask me what is new in my life, my response is usually the same…”nothing, really.”  I always joke around and say that maybe one day there will be something exciting to tell.  Well, friends, I think that day has come.  I have felt God tugging on my heart for a while, but it wasn’t until recently that I opened myself to what He had in store.  And I’m so glad I did.

All I’ve ever wanted, and that’s no exaggeration, is a family.  I’ve always dreamed of being married and having children.  I was never drawn to a life as a career woman and never set out to climb the corporate ladder and make a ton of money.  I just desired family.  God tells me that my plans aren’t His, and I trust that.  But it’s still hard to swallow the fact that what I wanted hasn’t happened and may never in the traditional way I planned.  I am still in the process of grieving the possibility that I may never carry a child.  I may never get married.  I hope God has other plans so desperately.  But that’s out of my control.  He just wants me to find joy in all circumstances- in all aspects of my life.  I try every day to be content and comforted in knowing my life is rich(although definitely not financially).  It’s full.  It’s blessed.  It’s more than I deserve. I don’t take a second of it for granted.  However, I think He has something more written in His plans for me.  J 

I’ve been on a new adventure for the last few weeks.  Since early March, I have been taking classes to become a foster parent.  My intention is to eventually adopt through DHR and have a forever family.  It’s terrifying, yet so very exciting at the same time.  I have had my doubts.  I feel guilty to bring a child into a home without two parents.  I wonder if I’ll be able to afford all the things a child will need.  I fear the child will suffer from attachment issues and withdraw from me.  I question if I can handle the stresses that come along with parenting alone.  I could go on and on.  But when I doubt, God whispers in my ear, “religion that I accept as pure is taking care of orphans, Amy.”  He says, “I’m sending you to care for them.”  And I can breathe a little again.  My belief is that if God has put this on my heart, and I KNOW it is His will because He tells us in scripture, then it has to be right.  I believe it will be a blessing.

The main questions I get are 1-When will a child be placed with you? 2-What gender? 3. How old?  4.Will you foster or adopt or both?  I thought I would answer these on my blog not only for my record and memory, but for you.  J

1.     Classes are over mid May, and I have to complete a home study soon after.  Hopefully by the end of May, I will have completed all that is required to be licensed.  After doing so, I literally could get a call hours after.

2.      I didn’t specify a gender.  I almost asked for a little girl, not because I have a preference, but because it breaks my heart to think of a little boy growing up without a father (for now at least).  But as I was filling out the paperwork, I felt like specifying a gender would limit God in what I feel was His plan to begin with.  So, I am accepting either.  I will call upon the Godly men in my life to be an example to this child by spending quality time with him/her.

3.     As far as age, I would love nothing more than to raise a child from birth.  But if I’m honest with myself, parenting a newborn probably isn’t the best option for a single woman that works full-time.  I specified that ideally, a child would be 3-4 years old at the youngest, and maybe 8-10 at the oldest.  HOWEVER, I know they will call me for children outside of my preference.  I’m praying now that if it’s not best for me to have a newborn that they not call.  Because y’all know what’s next….there’s no way I could turn one down if they know he/she is adoptable.  No.way.

4.     My complete and whole intention in doing foster care is to adopt.  Coming into this, my mentality was to only accept children that the social workers had good reason to believe would soon become adoptable.  My mind has changed a little since.  While selfishly that’s what I want, I again feel like I would be limiting God in fulfilling His purposes in my doing this.  Maybe a child needs me for a certain amount of time.  Maybe through God, I have something to share with a child for a certain amount of time.  Maybe it’s not about me…you think? Ugh!  This is a big thing I worry about.  I just don’t know how to bond with a child and then allow them to take it back.  I don’t know how I’ll do it.  But what I do know is that God will equip me if I’m needed.  I’m trying to say YES to God and NO to my fears.  It’s hard.

So, there you go.  Crazy, huh?  Yes.  But absolutely amazing.  I read recently that “if it’s worth fighting for, it’s worth fighting through.”  I believe that.  I will fight through this with the knowledge that I’m partnering with God in this.  My BFF hero Jen Hatmaker says, “I can hardly think of something closer to God’s character, who is the ‘Father to the fatherless, defender of widows’ — this is God, whose dwelling is holy. We are loved with an everlasting love, and it is enough to overwhelm our own fear and shame and humanity. In adoption, God is enough for us all. He can overcome our children’s grief. He can overshadow our own inadequacies. He can sweep up our families in a beautiful story of redemption and hope and healing. If you are afraid of adoption, trying to stiff-arm the call, God is the courage you don’t have. If you are waiting, suffering with longing for your child, God is the determination you need. If you are in the early days of chaos, God is the peace you and your child hunger for. If your family feels lost, He is the stability everyone is looking for. If you are working hard on healing, digging deep with your child, God is every ounce of the hope and restoration and safety and grace.  Can I get an amen?!!! 

And it is with that strength that I press on.  I’m preparing a bedroom, buying toothbrushes (holy moly), washing bed sheets, and thinking about what book I will read to this child first.  I cannot wait. I’m so thankful God chose to write foster care/adoption into my story.

I plan to use this blog to keep you up to date with how things are going.  I covet your prayers, not only for me, but for all the precious children in families right now that are headed to foster care, that are experiencing or about to experience sorrow, abuse, neglect, tragedy, etc.  In Him and in Him only, I can do this.  YOU can do this.  If it’s on your heart, just take the first step.  He.is.enough.

Seven Months Later...

I've been known to take a blogging hiatus from time to time, but I don't believe they've ever lasted for seven months!  I've missed it.  And since it's a brand spankin' new year and time to make changes, I've decided blogging is a part of my life I want to bring back.

I love fresh starts and clean slates.  I know there's nothing in particular that's special about January first, and many of you believe it's ridiculous to wait until today to re-establish life goals and expectations.  But, I respectfully disagree.  For me, there's just something about a whole new year that brings a new realm of motivation and dedication.  Come 12:01 am, I'm ready to make some changes.  And while I'm at it, I figure there's no better place than my blog to make public my goals for the coming year.  Heaven knows I need accountability, so here goes.

2015 Resolutions (in no particular order):

1.  Spend more time with my grandmothers and invest more of myself and my time in their lives, at least by calling and checking on them more often, sending them cards, etc. Life is too short, and I can't continue to believe that I'll have forever with them on earth.

2.  Become (at least more of) a positive person.  I admit I struggle here.  I need to control my tongue and not contribute to conversations that aren't healthy or beneficial.  I need to be more positive about myself and my worth...remembering to incorporate positive self-talk into my life and not consciously speak negatively about myself or my life in general.

3.  Control my emotions.  I HAVE to get a grip on my worry once and for all.  Whether that is by seeing a therapist, reading self-help books, seeking advice from a spiritual mentor...whatever it takes.  I'm beyond tired of being enslaved by irrational thoughts and fears.  I want to believe that the course of my life thus far doesn't dictate the course of my life in the future.  Good can come to me, and all things will not be bad.  Satan whispers that to me constantly....that I should fear the future.  I'm ready to fight him on it.  I solicit your prayer on this one, especially.

4.  Live intentionally.  I need to know why I do what I do and why I don't do what I don't do.  I feel like too often, I wander aimlessly through life.  I let life control me and I just deal with whatever comes my way.  I want to take more control of my life (not before God, of course) and stop just surviving and start living.  Even as I type this I'm thinking, "Is this even realistic to me?  Can I truly accomplish this hefty goal?"  But I think it's HUGE!  It's so important to me.  I honestly don't even know where to begin, but I know for sure it's something I want to work on through the new year.

5.  Continue to implement a life change in my diet and healthy eating.  I'm not a spring chicken anymore.  It's not just about my appearance.  It's way past time to take my health seriously and be proactive in being my best self.  I plan to do this by doing away with most processed food and sugar.  I'm sticking with whole grains, natural sugars, and organic food.  And maybe a splurge meal once a week.  ;)

6.  Deny myself and follow God.  I have to give Him more of me and more of my undivided attention via quiet time and searching the scripture.

I could go on and on.  But as much as I want to,  I realize I can't be as perfect as Jesus.  So, I'll stop here.  I just want to do what I can to make 2015 the best year of my life.  I want to believe that GOOD things are in store.  I want to smile more and laugh until I can't breathe. (...like I did last night playing Balderdash.  If you need a laugh, that'll do it.)  So here's to another chance.  Praise God for giving it to me!  Happy New Year, everyone!