You may find this post different than most of my others. I typically don't post things too personal and attempt to keep my blog light hearted and fun. But, this is real. And somtimes I think we aren't real often enough. The truth is, my life isn't all rainbows and gumdrops. I don't sit at home and make new pinterest projects or try out new recipes 24/7 like my blog may depict. My reality is this: I am a sufferer of generalized anxiety disorder. It pains me to admit it, and I'm really not quite sure why I'm choosing to write about it. I just feel like maybe someone somewhere will come across this post at just the right time and find some sort of light from my momentary troubles. I don't know what God's plan is, but I feel led to share my thoughts.
If you've never experienced anxiety attacks or panic disorder, get on your knees and thank God now. It is the most debilitating and miserable thing I have ever experienced in my lifetime. We've all gotten stressed, frazzled, feel frantic, and want to scream. Hear me loud and clear. That is NOT what I speak of here. When you feel you have lost touch with all reality, struggle to hold on to the rope that is life, feel it almost impossible to get out of bed and begin the day, and experience the feeling of impending doom- that at any moment your life will be gone- then you've had the type of panic attacks/depression/anxiety I'm talking about.
I had my first panic attack in 2000, and with the help of medicine, have been pretty successful in treating them...until about four weeks ago. Those of you close to me know a good friend of mine was in a car accident and was med-flighted to Huntsville for treatment. Praise God she is recovering and will be okay, but the trauma and stress I suffered in being at the hospital and witnessing her experience is what I believe triggered my "relapse," if you will.
(***Very important note: In NO way am I attempting to imply my struggles are in any way equal or worse than hers or anyone else's. To assume that would be an enormous misconception.) Since my dad died a few years ago, being inside a hospital brings about anxiety. As is my fashion, I maintained my composure in the midst of the "madness," and dealt with it days after. I don't know why, but my anxiety tends to have delayed reactions. After visiting with my doctor, we decided it best to change my medication. That was 25 days ago, and my world has been rocked to the core. Unfortunately, with SSRI's it takes up to six weeks for your body to become used to the mediciation and for it to take effect. This period of time for me has been almost unbearable. Sure, I've had small fleating moments where I laugh and can find joy in certain situations, but for the most part I've become a poster 'adult' for anxiety. I have become scared to leave my home for fear of having an anxiety attack. I have felt void of hope that my future would look anything unlike what I see in the midst of this. I have cried more tears than I care to admit. I have felt as if something in my body has gone so awry that it was going to literally self destruct. I have questioned why in the world my God would want His child to suffer as I have. I don't know the answers to any of these just yet, but here's what I know for sure.
1. My God is MIGHTY and He is FAITHFUL. In my struggles, He allows me to see just what He can do and as He says- "His power is made perfect in my weakness."
2. He gives me an opportunity to comfort others. I fear some will misunderstand this post as my search for pity. Please hear me again...that is NOT what I seek. I believe through this, God is and will use me to comfort someone else.
3. He has provided an opportunity for the suffering of Jesus to flow into my life. It connects me to Jesus in a way I haven't been before.
4. I know, for a FACT, I absolutely, positively cannot rely on myself anymore. The One that sustains me and helps me keep going is the one that raises the dead! He breaks my independent spirit and makes me dependent on His Holy Spirit and His grace. I have never, EVER felt more dependent upon my Father than now.
I don't know that I've ever been tested in my faith as I have through this. But if you're suffering and Satan has tempted you to question God- don't give in for a minute. Just hang on......
"I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on, and there will be an end to this trouble. But until that day comes, STILL I WILL PRAISE YOU..."
